fixed and fit together

today in “who passed Jeremy while running at greenlake”

1. the young lady who was dribbling a basketball the entire time

2. a gentlemen easily twice my age, who looked like he was walking but somehow was walking faster then I was running

3. some guy wearing combat boots, a flak jacket, and carrying a large backpack that looked like it was full

That said, here are my reflections after a week+ of consistent running…

I am considering running a 1/2 marathon in November, I’m in week two of a 12 week training program and for the time being I am going to stick to it. Not going to lie, I have a lot of hesitation regarding this but all of my reasons seem founded in my own insecurities and neurosis.

I don’t have cool enough running shoes, I don’t have cool enough running shorts, I definitely do not have the right hydration set-up as I don’t own a single camel back, fanny pack, or any type of ergonomic BPA free hydration device.

I have yet to experience this so called “runners high” WHERE THE HELL IS MY ENDORPHINS? I thought I was supposed to “crave” running after awhile? When I look in the eyes of fellow runner’s, I see people that look like they are in pain, they generally don’t look happy or “euphoric” by any means.

I get a rush out of passing people, it doesn’t matter if its a 90 year old man using a walker, a mom walking with her 2 year old, or a group of teenagers live-tweeting their walk around the 2.8 mile green-lake loop. I find myself kicking it into high-gear (even if only for a moment) when passing anyone, my stride lengthens, my posture improves, and even if only for a moment, I feel like Usain Bolt as I power by them.

I have horrible self esteem, I find myself waiting to run as it’s getting dark. This isn’t because its convenient, its because I am embarrassed to be seen panting, sweating, scowling, and staggering as I do what seems to come so easy to so many. Due to the aforementioned issues (improper gear, being passed by people twice my age who appear to be walking with ease) I find myself assuming that everyone is constantly judging me, of course I am the only object of their attention as we awkwardly share a glance while passing eachother, and of course all they are thinking is “wow, if he had bought those shoes somewhere else other then fred-meyers (I am accepting sponsors) he would’t look like he is passing a kidney stone right now”.

Here is the good news…

It feels good to be taking care of myself, it feels good to have a plan and be sticking to it, and it feels good to be actively doing something to change the things in my life I am not happy about. No lazy person every got more active by continuing to sit on the couch, and no schlubby dude like me ever got … less schlubby, by not taking steps to become non-schlubby. It’s not gonna happen over night, and that is extremely frustrating, but at least I am getting off my butt and taking a step in the right direction.

onward and upward ..

8 months ago…

8 months ago, due to a culmination of some poor life choices that I made, I threw a big ol hand-grenade into the middle of my life. Over the coming months my marriage of 5 years ended, lost my car,  gained some debt, moved out of my apartment and into temporary housing. I lost a lot of “friends”, literally every relationship I had came under stress, the church that I had planted and been pastoring at for 6 months dissolved, and perhaps the biggest news of all, I found out that come Oct I’m going to be a father.

For a few months I was in shock, I struggled to find the emotional energy to answer my phone to maintain friendships, let alone put work into trying to repair the damaged ones. I’m trying to find some semblance of normalcy in my new life, it’s a journey, and it’s not happening as fast as I would like, but it feels like things are finally starting to stabilize (as much as they can considering the circumstances).

I have a church community that I am slowly but surely starting to connect with in real, meaningful ways. I have a job, actually, I have three jobs. I’ve gained some new friends, and even managed to rebuild and maintain some of my old ones. Little by little I have been working through areas of my life, discover parts of me that I had long since left buried or hidden, trying to learn what it means to be “seen” by those around me. Trying to understand what true grace, mercy, and acceptance is in the midst of a chaos that I largely created.

I am by no means “done” with any of this work, but finally 2 days ago I faced one of the last untouched areas of my life that needed to be addressed, my health. I have always been a man of …. Larger carriage, but I will say the last few months I have put my body through some serious abuse. In the past few months I lost more, gained more, ate more, and drank more then I should have. I have been  seriously neglecting my body and the last month or so I can really feel it. I am a lot more tired then usual and relatively minor physical activity wears me out way faster then it should.

I need to get serious about taking care of my body for  many reasons. I’m fatigued, way more then I should be, I know that this is largely due to my diet, and lack of exercise. The company I recently started working for is filled with people that live for the out-doors, do lots of trail running, mountain biking, and hiking, I gotta get off my ass if I wanna hang with these guys (I guess that’s a good kind of peer pressure?). The biggest reason however, is that I want to live a long healthy life so I can be the best Dad I possibly can. I want to set an example for my daughter and be there to see her grow old.

So last Saturday I finally did it, I got off my butt and went running. Something about running, or jogging, or as I call it “accelerated shuffling” kicks my mind into overdrive and I almost always get the urge to write. I get new ideas, new thoughts, and somehow find parts of me that were hidden just minutes before. So here I am, doing something I have been wanted to do for awhile, writing. I would like to think this is the beginning of some new journey for me, a new branch of my healing experience, I would like to think that this post will be followed by a whole series of witty, authentic, emotional, heartfelt, and humorous blog posts. The reality is, I have no idea what’s going to happen, but here’s to the journey …..